Do you remember the"look" that your mother gave you when she was not impressed with something you did? You just knew that you had crossed the line, that your choice had disappointed her in some way. That look told you that you felt like something in the universe was not right and you wanted to make it right. Children want to make their parents happy. There is a connection between parent and child that intrinsically makes the child want to please the parent. Children don't always know how to do it but they desire it.
I developed that look with our boys. It is not a look that invokes fear in them. They know that we need to reconnect because something has gone awry. It does not even have to be a look it can be a body posture. A seemingly simple gesture in the grocery store when they start to bicker, my eyes open a bit wider, I take a deep breath, and they slow down and get themselves back in check. Having spent a lot of time building on that connection from infancy through an attached parenting style they were even able to depend on me to guide them and then pull from my connection to balance themselves as young as toddlers. It didn't always happen when they were that young but a quick hug and smile would almost always bring them back into balance. Over the years we have built on the connection that started in-utero so that we can read one another with relative ease. It has so beautifully continued on into their teen years.
One of the biggest learning curves for me in adoptive parenting was the lack of connection that I had with our daughter for her to understand my non verbal cues, or the cues that are verbal for that matter. And I did not have the connection with her to understand her cues. We haven't had her full 3 years to build on a connection that wasn't there in the first place. I haven't given her enough reason to trust me and count on me to be that balance for her. We are working on it but it is a conscious effort. It is something I need to think about rather than it coming naturally.
With some naivety I believed that having done a good portion of raising 3 sons with some measured success that I could employ the tools I used with them. On top of that I have a background in child development and early education. I 'knew' it may be challenging but whew, was I hit with reality. By the time we hit the toddler years with our older children I had gone through countless opportunities to give them reason to trust me, to know that I was safe and that I was a consistent place of warmth. As we parent our daughter through these years it is clear I lack this street cred with her. It doesn't matter to her that I learned how to parent our boys, I need to learn how to parent her..... need to continue to learn how to parent her.
I have never parented a child who has faced such significant loss. To think that I would have all the tools to do it is silly. I have had to go back into the resources that used to serve me so well and rework my understanding to fit her.
Depending on the age that a child comes into a home may affect how different it will be for a family. I imagine if someone has never parented before they may not have the preconceived notions that an experienced parent may have. The learning curve may not be so steep in some ways. No matter if they are a first time parent or an 8th time parent, a first jump into parenting a child who has been adopted takes an extra bit of learning. I am learning that it is worth every bit of extra effort.
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