Often times parents indicate that it took time for them to develop a deep attachment for their child, and their child to them. Children who have been adopted can be at risk for interruptions in attachment. In her book Attaching in Adoption Deborah D. Gray lists some of the common reasons children lose or do not form attachments.
- Separation from parents through foster care moves
- Adoption after attachment to another parent figure occurs
- Prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol
- Traumas like sexual abuse, physical abuse, and exposure to domestic violence
- Major depression, schizophrenia or manic-depression in parent figure
- Drug or alcohol addiction in parent figure
- Orphanage care
- Hospitalization of parent or child during which parent and child lose access to each other
- Neglect
If that love at first sight doesn't happen parents can begin to wonder if something is wrong, if they will ever feel a connection. Adjusting expectations prior to adoption can help parents realize that connections are not always immediate. It is normal to feel some ambivalence in the beginning.
One term that has been shared on Canada Adopts discussion boards is "fake it 'til you make it". It may sound terrible but sometimes you need to give the child all you can and fake your love until your feelings turn into love. When attachment and love doesn't happen quickly adoptive parents need to go easy on themselves and find someone they can trust and depend on to share their feelings.
Reading on attachment prior to adoption can go a long way in helping to understand how attachment occurs, ways to encourage attachment, what to do when attachment is not happening.
Some books that may be helpful are:
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