Words From A Wise Young Man

"If you are self-conscious about your past, you will be blind to your future", says our 12 year old son one day out of the blue as I pick him up from his music lessons.  What wise words, and a wonderful conversation starter.  He didn't know that on that day, and in that moment, I needed to hear those words.  Or maybe he did. 

No being on this earth has left my head spinning like our beautiful, outstanding daughter.  My journey with her has brought me to my worst and made me find the best in myself.  We are only 3 years in on this wild ride so I am sure there is more to come. 

Last week was a particularly challenging week in our home.  The wee guy we had been fostering for 5 months was returned to the care of his mother.  This was outstanding news.  We were thrilled for his family.  We had all been advocating hard for his move back home.  However, it was a loss on another level.  He and our daughter had grown close over those months, making the change for her significant.  She was no doubt ready for him to go home, to have our schedule return and gain more of my time again.  It also meant revisiting a few memories of her own. 

Aside from losing a person in her life she was most likely faced with the task of dealing with memories of other losses over the years.  I can't know this for sure but her behaviour surely began showing signs of her stress and my mama instinct is pretty certain I was reading it right.  Things quickly began to regress.  It felt as though we were spiraling backward on progress.   It was easy for me to begin to feel helpless as I watched her and experienced the affects of her lash outs.  It was very easy to focus on how challenging her outbursts were previously and feel like they had never gone away; very easy to forget the progress we had made over the last year. 

Like the sun breaking through the clouds as the spring pushes out the dark days of winter our beautiful little girl began to emerge again.  I could see it happening but I wasn't ready to let go of the edge of the boat that I had felt sure was sinking beneath me.  It was not easy for me to let go and enjoy her.  I was still stuck in panic mode, wondering if the next step was going to be a breaking point and we would be out of control again.

Hearing the wonderful words from our youngest son immediately made me realize that if I couldn't let go of the rough moments with her I would never be able to fully enjoy the good moments.  Granted, those moments are not just regular rough moments, they are intense beyond what I could have ever imagined as an experienced parent.   Because of how hard they are the beautiful times are just that much more amazing....if I let them be.