When The Good Feelings Don't Come

Expectations of joy and happiness fill the dreams of prospective adoptive parents.  Most know that there may be some challenges, some know that there can be a 'honeymoon' period where it all feels new exciting and wonderful, a few know that the life change of adopting can bring about very real and serious stress and depression.

Post Adoption Depression (PAD) or post adoption blues are being acknowledge more often but not nearly enough.  Not much unlike Post-Partum Depression (PPD) it can strike any parent and it can happen at any time after the adoption. Symptoms can range from mild to severe and have been compared closely to the symptoms of PPD.  Symptoms like sadness, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, feeling unlike yourself for long periods, feeling out of control and more are listed here on the Perinatal Mood Disorder Awareness website.

Parents who are experiencing PAD can often feel guilt about their feelings.   They themselves along with friends, family and peers expect happiness not hopelessness when they begin to parent.  Guilt and embarrassment make it hard for parents to speak out or receive help.  Questions about whether they will be viewed as competent or if someone will remove the child who was "given" to them to parent can be overwhelming.

Slowly information about PAD and post adoption anxiety and stress is becoming more accessible to parents.  Books like The Post Adoption Blues: overcoming the unseen challenges of adoption by Karen J Foli, Ph.D. and John R. Thompson, M.D. highlight the feelings that many adoptive parents experience and bring to the forefront how real PAD is for some families.

It can be a very lonely place.  I know, I was there.  I attended a fantastic support group with our local CAS for families awaiting adoption or foster to adopt placements.  The overall feel was frustration over the process but joy surrounding their adoptions.  So many families were grateful for the children in their lives.  It is hard to say now, and so much harder to say when I felt so alone even among the women I had come to feel supported by, but I was not grateful.  I was not joyful.

I was blind sided by the intensity of my resentment, anxiety and overwhelming hopelessness.  I had struggled through post-partum blues with the birth of our first son 14 years ago and knew that I was at risk for feeling similar through an adoption.  Knowing that post adoption depression could occur I was still unprepared.  I was disgusted with myself.  I had wanted to parent again, we had been thinking on adoption for many years and there I was wanting her not be in my life.  Even now it is hard for me to admit it because it feels so selfish.  I felt tremendous guilt that the care of this baby girl was placed on  in our hands and I was not able to love her.  She had joined our family after living with a amazing foster parents and I felt daily that she would have been better off had she been able to stay with them.

These were not passing feelings.  Over the months the feelings grew.  The guilt grew.  I felt like I was walking in a cloud and somewhere out there was the real me who at one time loved parenting.   When a year went by without improvement I hit my breaking point and spoke to my doctor.  We worked out a plan and I began a low dose medication for anxiety.  It was almost immediate where I was able to step out of that cloud.   Seeing clearly what I had gone through the past year was all at once freeing, knowing that it was not something I was able to control and scary knowing that I did not want to go back there.

I openly talk about the experience I had with PAD because I know that it happened to me not because of me.  I choose to share because I believe it is important to talk about the unthinkable.

Steep Curve Ahead!

There are so many ways in which parenting a child who was adopted is the same as parenting a child who was born to you.  At the same time it is different.

Do you remember the"look" that your mother gave you when she was not impressed with something you did?  You just knew that you had crossed the line, that your choice had disappointed her in some way.  That look told you that you felt like something in the universe was not right and you wanted to make it right.  Children want to make their parents happy.  There is a connection between parent and child that intrinsically makes the child want to please the parent.  Children don't always know how to do it but they desire it.  

I developed that look with our boys.  It is not a look that invokes fear in them.  They know that we need to reconnect because something has gone awry.   It does not even have to be a look it can be a body posture.  A seemingly simple gesture in the grocery store when they start to bicker, my eyes open a bit wider, I take a deep breath, and they slow down and get themselves back in check.  Having spent a lot of time building on that connection from infancy through an attached parenting style they were even able to depend on me to guide them and then pull from my connection to balance themselves as young as toddlers.  It didn't always happen when they were that young but a quick hug and smile would almost always bring them back into balance. Over the years we have built on the connection that started in-utero so that we can read one another with relative ease.  It has so beautifully continued on into their teen years.  

One of the biggest learning curves for me in adoptive parenting was the lack of connection that I had with our daughter for her to understand my non verbal cues, or the cues that are verbal for that matter.   And I did not have the connection with her to understand her cues. We haven't had her full 3 years to build on a connection that wasn't there in the first place.  I haven't given her enough reason to trust me and count on me to be that balance for her.  We are working on it but it is a conscious effort.  It is something I need to think about rather than it coming naturally.

With some naivety I believed that having done a good portion of raising 3 sons with some measured success that I could employ the tools I used with them.  On top of that I have a background in child development and early education.  I 'knew' it may be challenging but whew, was I hit with reality. By the time we hit the toddler years with our older children I had gone through countless opportunities to give them reason to trust me, to know that I was safe and that I was a  consistent place of warmth.   As we parent our daughter through these years it is clear I lack this street cred with her.   It doesn't matter to her that I learned how to parent our boys, I need to learn how to parent her..... need to continue to learn how to parent her.  

I have never parented a child who has faced such significant loss.  To think that I would have all the tools to do it is silly.  I have had to go back into the resources that used to serve me so well and rework my understanding to fit her.  

Depending on the age that a child comes into a home may affect how different it will be for a family.  I imagine if someone has never parented before they may not have the preconceived notions that an experienced parent may have.  The learning curve may not be so steep in some ways.  No matter if they are a first time parent or an 8th time parent, a first jump into parenting a child who has been adopted takes an extra bit of learning.  I am learning that it is worth every bit of extra effort.

Open Heart

Open adoption in it's many forms is becoming more common than the previously closed adoption of days past.  Open adoption in private domestic adoptions have paved the way for openness in foster care adoptions and even in some international adoptions.

Openness can hold a variety of meanings for families.  Ranging from letters shared via a mediator or  adoption agency through to sharing holidays and special occasions with members of the child's birth and adoptive families, open adoption is more of a continuum.  Each family should set their own comfort level.  

How can an open adoption benefit families?

• Open adoption may help reduce the struggle for identity for the child who has been adopted.
• Questions about health and family history may be more accessible to the child.
• Open adoption may help to reduce the feelings of grief in the birth parent if they are able to connect in some way with their child as they grow.
• Openness can give the opportunity for siblings to connect and maintain those important connections.
• For adoptive parents the birth parent is no longer an unknown.  

Being a part of an open adoption requires flexibility and maturity.  Often times prospective adoptive families feel that they need to offer more openness than they truly feel they can handle.  They want to be chosen to parent a child and do not want to give themselves a disadvantage.  It is crucial to be honest about the level of openness an adoptive family can handle.  Starting out slow and moving into more openness as the relationship between families grows creates more trust than pulling back from a promise of contact that was too much to maintain.   

The comfort of sharing birthdays for one family may not work for another.   In situations where safety is a factor openness in terms of contact may be out of the question.  Being open with a child however is a position a parent can choose to take.  If birth family is unable to be in contact via mail, updates or contact by choice or due to safety then an adoptive parent can create an "atmosphere of openness" for the child through honouring their history and sharing it with them in an appropriate way.   Showing respect for the child's birth family is important to creating an atmosphere for the child to be able to feel more free to ask questions or grieve when needed.

When contact is being discussed the idea of welcoming a virtually unknown person into a family's life can seem scary.  Questions about boundaries, loyalty, safety may be rolling about in a prospective adoptive parent's mind.  It helps to talk with other families who have experienced openness.  Learn about the different ways that families have made it work or in ways that it may not have worked.  Often times other adoptive families or birth parents will be the best resource.  Think on the level of openness that is within a comfort level that is workable.  Know that entering into an openness agreement truly is a gesture of trust, and good faith.   It is an agreement that deserves thought, respect and sincerity.  

Mother, Father, Sister, Brother

Sometimes when I use the term "our daughter" I squirm a little.   There is something about ownership that comes with the use of "our" that makes me feel uneasy.  I don't feel that with "our" boys as we are their sole parents.  The feeling of being her parent is not any less than it feels to be the parent of our sons, I whole heartedly believe that I am her mother.  The fact is however, that I am not her only mother.

We don't own any of our children but my status as the boys mother is exclusive.  I don't hold that with our daughter, I share the title of mother with someone else.  Somewhere on this planet there is a woman who carried and birthed my daughter.  I am pretty sure that as our daughter grows her interest in knowing more about her birth mother will grow with her.  Right now at 3 she doesn't have verbal memory of the first year that she spent with her birth mother.  We give her the words and show her the photos to help her process in an age appropriate way what came before her life in our family.  

My husband is not our daughter's only father.   We know exactly where on this planet her birth father  is and she sees him briefly every month.  She doesn't yet grasp who she is seeing but one day she will.   I can't imagine what it is like for him to have the same gendered parent in our lives.  Maybe a guest post from him someday will share his thoughts on it.

Our sons are not their sister's only siblings.  Each month they welcome into our home our daughter's school aged sister who stays with us overnight.  They show a maturity and empathy that astounds me as they share their sibling roles with her.  She has a couple other siblings (grown and newborn) who she may never know.  We hold it as our duty to provide as much as we can about them with her. 

Being a mother or father is precious.  Being a parent to a child that has been adopted doesn't make being a mother or father any less real, however, you will be asked to open your heart to share that title with another.

Loss and Love

Adoption is love.  Adoption is family.  Adoption is a gift.  Adoption is amazing and it is life changing.  There are so many wonderful aspects of adoption.   It is a topic that we want to feel good about.  And to be honest if there were no good feelings around adoption it would not be the choice of so many families.  There is another side to adoption.  A significant side that requires addressing.  Adoption is full of loss.

Adoption begins with loss.

• A mother/father lose the choice or the opportunity to parent the child they brought into the world.  
• A grandparent, sister, brother, aunt, uncle lose the opportunity to see them grow.  
• Birth family lose the chance to share family history with a child and pass down traditions.  
• Adopting parents may be grieving the loss of parenting a biological child.  
• Adopting parents may feel the loss of the first moments or years that they did not experience with their child.   
•  A person who has been adopted loses the connection to the mother who birthed them and their family of origin.  
• Through adoption adopted persons may lose the customs or heritage of their birth family.

Glossing over or not thinking about the deep loss felt by all involved in the adoption circle does not make it any less.  Talking about and discussing the significant losses does not make adoption any less wonderful for some families.  Honesty about the loss can help a healing process or simply help a child, parent or family member to process the event.

Wanted: Healthy Baby

In the last post I mentioned comments from others like "why would you want someone else's problem" or "but you know there are no healthy babies".   These show an attitude toward adoption in our current culture.  All children who are in need of adoption have problems.

Well in part it is true.  All children who face a loss of their birth parent, whether at birth, due to trauma and were removed from their home or placed in an orphanage in another country, are facing unique challenges and have special needs.  To say that all children who are available for adoption have special needs does not mean that they are all in need of constant medical care or have insurmountable behaviour challenges.  Many children who have faced the loss and trauma do have these types of special needs but there are many who do not.

Special needs can encompass a traumatic history, a need to build secure attachments, developmental delays, or siblings in different homes.  I believe there is not a child who has had an adoption plan made for them that doesn't face loss.  Even the infant placed immediately after birth will feel a loss of the mother who carried him in her womb.

Knowing that a child who is placed in your home will face unique challenges and have special needs can help direct you to the resources you may need to access.  Being open to learning about how to parent your child and meet their needs will only help you in your journey together.

Not every child in care or who has an adoption plan in place for them will have significant medical or significant behavioural challenges.  These children will face loss that is unique and have needs that are unique and being their parent requires an understanding and empathy for their story.

Sharing Your News

Choosing to adopt is not a decision most people come to on a whim.  For my husband and I it was 15 years of discussing, letting it lie, and re-discussing to finally make the first call to our local Children's Aid Society.   The day we called to inquire about how to begin the process to adopt was actually the day of our daughter's birth though we didn't meet her until almost two years later.

When parents or parents-to-be announce they are going to start or grow their family it is expected that well wishes will come their way.   Announcing an interest in pursuing adoption would ideally come with the same positive attitude.  For both scenarios friends, family and peers are not always as excited as the hopeful parents.  It is hard to hear negative or ambivalent attitudes toward a decision that has been so heart felt and thought through.

Speaking with only adoption in mind, though for some reason people see fit to be negative toward families who go beyond the 2.5 child social limit as well, it can really be extra hard to hear some of the harsh words that people choose to give you upon hearing your news.  Mostly people are excited to hear about your plans for adoption but it helps to be prepared to hear the negative know-it-alls as well.   It seems inevitable that a neighbour's sister's aunt's cousin adopted a child who is terribly behaved and beyond damaged.   Comments like "why would you want someone else's problem" or "there are no healthy babies to adopt" or even "you are such a saint, I could never do that" can come at us like a bat to the head.

Guarding your heart against ignorance can go a long way.  Know that you may not receive the same excitement at work as the girl in the next office who just announced her pregnancy, though you should.  Be steadfast in the belief that your choice to adopt is just as real, valid and special.  So many comments are made from a place of limited knowledge in regards to adoption.  It helps to find a place to share and talk with other prospective adoptive parents either online or within your community. Online discussion boards like Canada Adopts can go along way in finding support that is needed throughout the adoption process.

It may take time for the important people in your life to adjust to the idea of adoption, to figure out how it may fit in their lives.  A grandparent may wonder if they could love an adopted grandchild the same, they may even have to grieve the notion of never having a biological continuation of their family.    Don't count them out if they are not on board right away. In time they may be your biggest supporters.

Adoption Is Different

Different is not less, it is just different.  Family is family.

Adoption is a path to growing and building family though it is different than giving birth to and parenting a child.  Coming from a perspective where I have experienced parenting from having given birth and parenting those children as well parenting again via adoption, I am here to say it is different for me.   Not everyone will have the same views or move through this process the way that I have but I know that there are differences that are across the board for adoptive families.

To have a child through birth usually does not require applications, interviews, or financial scrutiny.  To have a child through birth does not necessarily begin with a deep loss from all sides.  To have and parent a child through birth will not come with comments and questions about your child's "real mother" and "real father".  As a parent through birth there is a pretty good chance you will not be asked where your child came from (meaning what country).  You most likely will not hear your child utter the words "you are not my mother".  It is different.

 As a parent do I love our youngest child, who came to our family just shy of her 2nd birthday, in the same way as the first three I carried in my womb?  Absolutely!!!.....now I do.  If I had to answer that question a year ago my answer would have been quite different.  I cared about her and took care of her and gave her all I could of myself but the love between us was not immediate and it was not certain like it was after I had given birth.  How I came to love her is not inferior to how I came to love our sons it is just different.

I believe it is in embracing the differences not in minimizing them that we can begin to see that family is family no matter how we come to one another.

So You Want to Adopt: What you may want to think about

You have decided for your own reasons that you want to adopt.  Each prospective parent approaches adoption from a different road.  Whether pursuing adoption as a young couple, older couple, same sex couple, or single person there are universal issues that need to be considered.

In Canada, those who wish to be considered to adopt privately, through Children's Services, or internationally are required to attend PRIDE classes (Parent Resource for Information, Development and Education).  PRIDE covers a standardized course outline. It can be taken either privately at a cost or at no cost through a local Children's Aid Society.

Prospective parents are also required to be a part of a SAFE Homestudy process where they meet with a social worker who will interview them on various topics to help determine if adoption is the right path for their family.

PRIDE and the SAFE Homestudy are both helpful (and mandatory) parts of the adoption process.  The nitty gritty though comes from adoptive parents, birth parents and persons who have been adopted.  Here is a list of 10 things that should really be talked about when someone is considering adoption.

1.  Adoption is different than creating a family via pregnancy/birth

2.  Not everyone will support you in your decision

3.  All children who are adopted have unique and special needs

4.  Loss is an inherent part of adoption

5.  You will not be your child's only mother or father

6.  Open adoptions are common

7.  Even experienced parents have a steep learning curve after adoption

8.  Post adoption stress is real and it can happen to you

9.  Attachment isn't immediate, learning to love one another takes time

10.  It takes more than just love in your heart

In coming posts each of the 10 items (and there are so many more that could be added to the list) will be  expanded.