Words From A Wise Young Man

"If you are self-conscious about your past, you will be blind to your future", says our 12 year old son one day out of the blue as I pick him up from his music lessons.  What wise words, and a wonderful conversation starter.  He didn't know that on that day, and in that moment, I needed to hear those words.  Or maybe he did. 

No being on this earth has left my head spinning like our beautiful, outstanding daughter.  My journey with her has brought me to my worst and made me find the best in myself.  We are only 3 years in on this wild ride so I am sure there is more to come. 

Last week was a particularly challenging week in our home.  The wee guy we had been fostering for 5 months was returned to the care of his mother.  This was outstanding news.  We were thrilled for his family.  We had all been advocating hard for his move back home.  However, it was a loss on another level.  He and our daughter had grown close over those months, making the change for her significant.  She was no doubt ready for him to go home, to have our schedule return and gain more of my time again.  It also meant revisiting a few memories of her own. 

Aside from losing a person in her life she was most likely faced with the task of dealing with memories of other losses over the years.  I can't know this for sure but her behaviour surely began showing signs of her stress and my mama instinct is pretty certain I was reading it right.  Things quickly began to regress.  It felt as though we were spiraling backward on progress.   It was easy for me to begin to feel helpless as I watched her and experienced the affects of her lash outs.  It was very easy to focus on how challenging her outbursts were previously and feel like they had never gone away; very easy to forget the progress we had made over the last year. 

Like the sun breaking through the clouds as the spring pushes out the dark days of winter our beautiful little girl began to emerge again.  I could see it happening but I wasn't ready to let go of the edge of the boat that I had felt sure was sinking beneath me.  It was not easy for me to let go and enjoy her.  I was still stuck in panic mode, wondering if the next step was going to be a breaking point and we would be out of control again.

Hearing the wonderful words from our youngest son immediately made me realize that if I couldn't let go of the rough moments with her I would never be able to fully enjoy the good moments.  Granted, those moments are not just regular rough moments, they are intense beyond what I could have ever imagined as an experienced parent.   Because of how hard they are the beautiful times are just that much more amazing....if I let them be.

Be in a Place of Support

I pull into the parking lot already wiping the tears from my eyes.  It takes a moment for me to decide if I am going to turn off the ignition or turn right around and head back home.   Taking a deep breath I force myself to head through the doors.  Already sitting around the table are the familiar faces who have seen my most awful and painful tears, and a few new faces. 


I feel tense but uplifted by the smiles and welcomes. The veteran foster mother/ fellow adoptive parent who has been a much needed shoulder to weep on more than a few times over the last year, the warm friendly mother who is struggling through parenting her adopted teen but has been such an inspiration to me, the adoption professional who has seen me at my worst and still seems to have hope for me all make me glad I walked through the door.

My adoption support circle. I was not aware of how important it would be in my life.  Sometimes parenting a child who has been adopted is just like parenting a child who grew within you, sometimes it is entirely not the same.  The entirely not the same is what you need to be able to talk to about with other parents who have been "there" or understand how you are feeling standing "there".  They are most likely the very few who will understand when you express your regret over adopting.  They usually know that you are not horrible for thinking your family might now be in a healthier place if the adoption had never occurred.  They know that condemning does nothing and just listening means the world. 


Your adoption support circle may look different than mine.  Do you need to be supported by other transracial adoption families, open adoption families, trauma related adoption families, private adoption families.....?  It is possible that in this moment you do not feel the need to be supported at all. Can you possibly be that ear or shoulder for someone else? Making those connections now could go a long way in a few weeks, months, years. 


No matter how you parent or who you parent be in a place of support.