We are so thankful for the bundle of joy that has been gifted to us. We feel blessed to have such a joy in our lives. We are grateful, in awe, touched.....
This is not real for me. I have felt overwhelming guilt and a sense of failure because I cannot in truth shout this out on facebook, to the world or anywhere else. I am envious of the parents who have come to adoption and feel this sense of joy. Often I have wondered if something was wrong with me that I am not experiencing this same elation.
It is hard for me to read the sweet memes on social media that proclaim a love for the child as they were placed in their arms, the place they secured in their parents' heart the first time they laid eyes on their photo, the joy adoption has brought to their family. I wonder to myself if there is any other parent out there who has experienced adoptive parenting like I have. It is lonely.
Sharing this openly I have fear that one day our daughter will read it and know that loving her came with a lot of work. Will she feel rejected, hurt, angry? How will it affect her to know that parenting her was challenging and learning to love her was not immediate?
It is not all doom and gloom. She has made me laugh everyday since the day we met her. I have loved cuddling her in bed and nursing her in my lap. There is a comfort in the smile that spreads across her face when she sees me. Maybe I am not failing completely.
Most recently I have had some realizations that have helped me see this experience in a different way. We began fostering a baby this fall. He is a sweet sweet baby and is loved deeply and well by his family He faced no neglect and has a fantastic attachment to his mother and grandparents. He had a loving start to life. He has been taught that he will be taken care of, his needs will be met and that the world is a place to be trusted. He, like most babies, instinctively pulls in those around him with the appropriate smiles, cuddles and care eliciting behaviours. It was easy to fall for this baby.
His first year of life was in stark contrast to that of our daughter's. She learned early that loving care was not something that was guaranteed. Her attachment with her mother was disorganized and unhealthy. The world was not a safe place that she could grow and develop in. Because of this she did not develop the behaviours that babies normally have to draw people in. Instead she was on high alert. She didn't have the time or ability to let her guard down.
Caring for our foster baby led me to an ah-ha moment. I was struggling with my daughter not because I was not able to love her but because the normal cueing that goes on between child and caregiver was not happening. This is in no way the fault of my daughter, but was also no longer my fault. I was not a horrible mother.
I am not at the point of proclaiming my joy to the world. Parenting her has been hard, loving her has not come easy. I cannot erase the challenges of the past two years. But I can forgive myself. I can move forward with my new perspective and continue to try to find a new love for mothering. And I know I am not the only adoptive parent who feels this way.
