....and patience and understanding and empathy and maturity and an authentic understanding of the loss your child has faced.
Fantastic children's literature on adoption is beginning to find ways to bookshelves. Todd Parr's "We Belong Together" is a colourful book that provides images of all types of families in adoption. I very much enjoy reading this book to our children. I enjoy it until I get to the very last page where it reads "all you need is love in your heart". I can't seem to read that out loud. I very strongly feel that LOVE is not all you need as a family in the adoption world.
Love does not cut it alone. It is crucial and certainly makes things a lot harder when it is not there but it is not the recipe for success or even a reason to adopt. Many parents find that parenting a child they have adopted will pull on so many of their skills or be the reason they search out new skills. You can love a child with all your heart but it does not and will not take away or erase the pain from their history. Your love will not replace the pain that they may not even be able to verbalize.
To believe that if you give a child enough love they will love you back can be the beginning of a painful journey. It can be disheartening for a parent to learn that no matter how much love they share for their child, that the same love may not be returned. Even when your love is returned and your connection with your child is deep love is not enough. When love is in place without empathy and understanding of the loss your child faced when they were separated from their birth parent or the loss their birth family feels it does not honour your child for who he/she is. Love without the maturity to accept that you are not your child's only parent does not respect your child's being.
Love can move us to do better for our children, to learn more about how to parent them, to be accepting and honour their birth family connections or their origins. Love can give us the patience when new feelings arise as they begin to question their beginning in life or their place in the world. Love can be an anchor or a jumping off point. Love is not all you need, it is a part of a diverse set of tools, skills and emotions to offer children who have been adopted.
